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[personal profile] zebee
I blew up today.

Well, for the 2nd time. I don't know why, it never does any good.

A bod posted in aus.bicycles a screed about how
- he saw what he thought was a woman riding a bike
- he had to be sure the person was female because he felt attracted to them and if the person was male... well everyone had to understand he wasn't like That.
- she was a stronger rider than he was, but he was still able to fail her riding on several grounds so that was OK
- he could now spend some time talking about how aroused he was watching her.

Normally I leave that stuff alone. It isn't worth it. Speaking up does no good. But this time I did, I just couldn't walk away one more time.

He said "he didn't mean to offend". Not that he was surprised what he said was offensive, not that he could see there was a problem, but that he hadn't intended to upset anyone. Well of course he bloody didn't! He wrote what he considered a perfectly good post about the right of a man to see women as things for men to perve on. It wasn't offensive, it was normal.

And you know what happened don't you. Men pipe up to blame women for everything under the sun, to totally deny there's anything wrong with any of it.

I was going to walk away, but someone I actually thought had some kind of clue piled on and I lost it again.

Dunno why I bother. As I said, I live in this world and so I have to survive in it. Objecting to men and their attitudes just gets me pain. My survival has been to avoid being female at all, to be neuter shading to male so that I avoid the slime and the fear. I'm still second class, but less so I used to think.

The price I've paid for it has been high. Including being uterly misogynistic my own self until someone called me on it some years ago and I realised they were right. Now I try to continue as I am because I'm too old to do any other way, but try and view others and their choices differently.

Because in the end, it is all about survival. About trying to live in this world where no matter my choices I am defined by my genitalia as subhuman.

I bet there are people reading this who think that's a bit strong. I dunno if any of them are female. I'd have said it was a bit strong 10 years ago. I don't think it is now.

Most of the time I can forget it. I can do the things I do, and carve my place, and feel I've managed OK. But sometimes it's all brought home to me with a crashing blow that I'm fooling myself.

There is no answer. So back to being the comfortable safe neuter they all know. And die inside.
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zebee

September 2010

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